Saturday, June 5, 2010

Time to Report in; and, Update on Aye, Aye, Ayelashes

Matt & I met my new radiologist, Dr. Cardiges (I think that’s his name.  In my defense, there was a lot going on!).  He seemed very, very nice, & he, too, was young.  Folks, I’m getting a complex.  What is UP with the doctors & nurses at St. Lukes?  First, they’re all super nice & you just want to pinch their little cheeks.  Secondly, they’re all young & good looking (boy, how I wish I’d stayed with them for chemo)!  This doctor was no different.   

I didn’t get his picture, cause we were too intrigued at what was going to happen.  I’ll get it next visit, which is the first week of July.  I just feel old enough to be all these nice young men & women’s mothers.  Ugh. 

Guess what?  They’re going to tattoo me!  Yep, you heard right; they’re going to place freckle size tattoos on me to “map” me.  This will make it easier & faster each time I come in.  It’s kind of a connect the dots type of thing.  The doctor promised they’d be small, & that most folks will think they’re freckles.  Still, I’ve never been, you know, “permanently marked” before.  I’ve always wondered what it would feel like, but I didn’t think the radiologist would be the first one to do such a thing to me.  I knew that Dr. Morrissey, after he creates a fake nipple, is going to tattoo colour on said nipple.  So I was ready for that.  Didn’t know I was going to be an experienced tattooed woman by that time, though.  Sigh.




Matt’s always thought tattoos were stupid.  After having seen my fill of older people with tattoos that may have at one time been quite striking, but now look really, really stupid, I tend to agree.  As the body ages, for some reason the ground starts looking good to it, & everything starts heading south.  Some folks say it’s the call of gravity, but I think it just wants to lie down & take a nap. 

One day, I spent a good amount of time behind a woman at the grocery store.  This was due to the fact that she had that cart so full, I was amazed the little wheels didn’t give up & fly off.  It took FOREVER to get her checked out.  You know that scene in Mary Poppins; the one where stuff just keeps coming out of her satchel?  It reminded me of that.

She was a little older than me & (judging by the contents in her well stuffed cart) it appeared that the only person on a diet in her home was her poor puppy.  Did you know they make diet doggy food?  That dog must be really pissed at dinner time.  Poor thing.

Anyway, I spent a good deal of time doing two things – staring at the lump of crumpled colour on the back of her leg that must have at one time been a large tattoo, & the other part trying not to get caught staring at the lump of crumpled colour on the back of her leg that at one time must have been a large tattoo.

Now, two things were running through my Lucy brain.  The most urgent one was curiosity about what the thing on the back of that lady’s leg had once been!  The other pressing thought was – how to figure it out.   So, I grabbed a magazine to put in front of my face as I stared at her leg from beneath it.  Nope, couldn’t tell; I needed to see it closer. 

I put the magazine back, & decided to behave as if I was perusing the candy bars.  I actually crouched down on my knees, & held up two candy bars, pretending to read the ingredients.  I STILL couldn’t make it out & I was getting steadily annoyed.  I even entertained “accidentally” pushing my cart into her, then apologizing as I rubbed (stretched) her leg.  Problem was, the cart wouldn’t ram into her leg – it would bump her considerable rear end.  And there was NO WAY I was rubbing that bad boy!

I even thought about just grabbing her leg & stretching it out like a crumpled map.  It would only take a second, & who could blame me?  I mean, really, people, if you don’t want folks staring at your long dead tattoo, cover it up, wear long pants, or pay to have another tattoo over it that says, “this used to be a ____”; for God’s sakes, do SOMETHING.

The last thing I could think to do was just ask her what it had been.  But after running all the scenarios through my head, I figured that the odds of getting an answer weren’t in my favour.  A dirty look & an indignant “mind your own business, lady” were the winner as to what probably would happen.   Or, I could flee from certain death, with an entire grocery store screaming, “Run, Forest; I mean, Lucy.  Run!” 

I finally gave up trying to figure out what it had once been.  But, it did reinforce the fact that I did not want a tattoo – small or large.

Now look at me.  I’m gonna be tattooed like a lady at a carnival.  Sigh.


Alert Over!  Alert Over!

e.l.f. Eyelashes
I got my gross of e.l.f. eyelashes, & the report is a big ol’ thumbs up!  And get this – each pair comes with its own tube of glue.  As if that wasn’t enough to thrill the living daylights out of me, the instructions are clearly marked – insert pin in top of glue.  Applying that thin line of glue is a piece of cake with the e.l.f. glue.  Happy, happy, joy, joy, happy, happy, joy!  Oh, I could do the hillbilly happy hoedown right about now. 

Another plus was that I didn’t have to trim the ones called “natural”.  I have yet to try on the ones called “dramatic”, & will report on them after I have.  They also have a set called “flirty”, but they’re sold out.  Probably better that way, because with a name like flirty, they’re probably long & slutty looking.  Just the kind of lashes I’d be attracted to.  And just the kind that would send Matt after me with a pair of scissors.

For those of you who actually have lashes, & just want to add a few falsies here & there, they even have individual lashes.  To me, however, that looks like too much work, which I am firmly opposed to.

Now, there is a down side, as is always the case when one thinks they’ve reached their own personal Nirvana.  The lashes themselves don’t appear to be actual, human hair.  You know what, though?  Who cares?  When you put those bad boys on, nobody will ever know that.  In the event that your guy talks about your luxurious locks of hair, & includes your eyelashes in that category, well, I don’t know what to say.  Except, eeeewwww.  Enough said.


After putting these on just about daily, I’m getting the knack.  Here’re a few tips you may find handy as well.

Find the middle of the lash.

Before you begin the application process, be sure you have an idea of where the middle of the lash is as it relates to your own eye.  Look for the center of your iris as the middle of your eye & match it to the middle of the fake lash.  I “mark it” by holding the lash in this middle area while waiting for the glue to dry.  This will keep you from having to adjust it (much); thus eliminating having too many eyelashes on the inside corner of your eyes, running up the sides of your nose,  & causing a crossed eye effect that doesn’t look good on anyone.  Even Angelina Jolie. 

It will also prevent the extra length of lashes at the corners of your eyes (I mentioned this ealier as the attempt to call the look “exotic”).  You won’t have to tell folks, “I wanted them this way”, ala Pee Wee Herman.   And, if they’re too long for your eye, don’t be afraid to cut them.  They’re not like knit sweaters, where you run the risk of unraveling them.

Tacky is best – in THIS situation.

After playing with falsies for a while, I’ve decided that the recommendation on all the lash packaging is best.  Letting the strip of glue that you’ve so carefully applied become tacky is truly the best course of action.

What to do while you wait.

Depending upon how thick you’ve applied your glue, the amount of time for it to become tacky varies.  I’ve found that the recommended “30 seconds” is laughable.  Of course, that’s because I’m probably putting on WAAAAYYYY too thick a line.  I would say that it takes about 60 – 120 seconds.  You can test it by touching it; if it’s still wet, it ain’t there yet. 

The problem is, who has the patience to sit there for up to 2 minutes allowing glue to dry to the tacky point (depending, of course, on your glue application ineptness or ability).  OK, maybe you & most normal people do, but remember, I’m Lucy.  Sitting still without some scatterbrain idea going through my mind is virtually impossible.  I’ve found that keeping myself occupied as much as possible keeps me out of trouble.  For the most part.  Well, for some part.   All right, all right, I’ve got about a 50/50 shot at it.  Shall we move on?

 So what I’ve begun doing is applying the glue to one lash & holding it in my right hand – in the middle (marking it as mentioned above).  Then, since I’m left handed, I put my eye shadow & liner on that eye with my “make up puttin’ on” hand.  By the time I’m done, the glue has usually dried to the point of application.  Repeat with the other eye. 

How to cover too much exposed lash area.

If you haven’t lost your lashes, this tip may or may not be worthwhile to you.  But, us GWOL gals (girls without lashes) have noticed, the lash line can be pretty darned large!  After putting on your falsies, there may seem to be some exposed skin, which is a dead giveaway that you’re wearing falsies.  Here’s my remedy for that, which may take some getting used to.

Line the inside of your upper eye rim with a pencil.  Go up a little on your eye lid.  This will cover any exposed skin that your regular eye liner & applied lashes have missed.  The following picture shows the lower lid, but I couldn’t find any showing the upper, so this’ll have to do:
 I recommend doing this BEFORE you apply the glue to your eyelashes.  That’s because you’re going to need both hands.  Gently lift your upper eyelid, & use a smooth pencil to colour in the area.

I can recommend several different brands, but what I use daily is Milani’s “Liquif’Eye metallic eye liner pencil”.  For some reason, this stuff stays on all day.  I buy mine at CVS Pharmacy, & it’s less than $5.00.  Other things I’ve found that stay on all day are Styli Style’s Line & Seal, or Prestige’s water proof eye liner, & both are around $4.99 as well.  Not bad!


I stumbled upon Revlon’s Precision Lash Adhesive.  Here’s what it looks like:
 As you can see, there’s an applicator with a brush on it instead of just a tube of glue.  For the most part, after getting my lashes on, I’m good.  However, if one lash or the other has a spot that has decided to migrate from your skin, this stuff comes in handeeee!  You just use the brush & apply it to wherever you need it.  The brush gives it the precision the tube & your fingers just can’t.  Don’t be weirded out, though, because this stuff goes on neon blue.  It stays that way for well over a minute or two, but trust me, it dries clear.

I take this with me whenever I go out.  There have been times when I’ve shed a tear or two (mostly at the stupid oncologist’s office).  Even though most glues claim to be waterproof, trust me, they’re not.  Having that nifty brush applicator sure does come in handy when you need to reattach a section or two of lash in a bathroom mirror.  And, if it’s a shared mirror, don’t be surprised if you get another woman asking you where you got that stuff!

OK, happy campers, that’s the update so far.  I’ll have my final super duper triple dose of chemo on Wednesday, June 9th.  I’ll keep you posted!

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